Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Leaked MasterChef Running Sheet

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

EXT. MASTERCHEF KITCHEN

Vehicles carrying contestants arrive at kitchen.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

INT. MASTERCHEF KITCHEN

SURPRISE FAMOUS CHEF surprises CONTESTANTS by appearing. CONTESTANTS magically know who s/he is even though most viewers have no fucking clue. 

CONTESTANTS gasp.

Reinforce SURPRISE FAMOUS CHEF'S identity through CONTESTANT 4 talking about how s/he always conveniently looked up SURPRISE FAMOUS CHEF.

CONTESTANT 4 (interview)
Oh my god, we're waiting for them to come out and SURPRISE FAMOUS CHEF comes out and I'm like oh my god (laughs).

SURPRISE FAMOUS CHEF unveils IMPOSSIBLE DISH that has been perfected after decades of real experience in real kitchens as a real chef.

CONTESTANTS gasp.

CONTESTANT 1 (interview)
And I like saw it and I was like 'oh my God'.

CONTESTANT 1 looks at dish.

CONTESTANT 1
Oh my God.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Cooking begins, insert miscellaneous non-issue of CONTESTANT 2's cooking and turn it into an issue through the magic of editing.

CONTESTANT 2 is unsure whether his/her ingredient is burnt. CONTESTANT 2 opens oven to reveal whether ingredient is burnt. 
(Brooding music)
Before it is revealed whether or not the ingredient is burnt...

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Return to CONTESTANT 2. Opens oven, ingredient is fine.
(Happy music)

JUDGES distract CONTESTANTS by going around asking all of them questions.

JUDGES to undermine CONTESTANTS.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

RECAP of everything that's occurred so far.

JUDGES talk about contestants behind their backs.

Insert another miscellaneous non-issue. Preferably involving tears.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Rectify second miscellaneous non-issue.

COUNT DOWN to end of cooking time.

Extend the last 30 SECONDS to 3 minutes through the MAGIC of EDITING.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

RECAP everything that has occurred...again.

JUDGES sit down to be presented with food.

JUDGES to recap everything that has occurred.

CONTESTANTS to bring out dishes one-by-one. JUDGES to recap what occurred with each CONTESTANT.

CONTESTANT to be "thanked" and exit the room while JUDGES critique food (and CONTESTANT) behind their back.

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JUDGES recap everything that has occurred.

JUDGES eliminate a CONTESTENT. Then patronise by telling them how good they are. Eliminated CONTESTANT talks about being "INSPIRED"; vows to open kitchen/café/restaurant/bakery/catering business/taco truck/Vietnamese street food pop-up van eating hall.

Eliminated CONTESTANT walks towards car, forever shamed. End on pepped up "WHERE ARE THEY NOW" sheet. In the event of CONTESTANT depression or misery, state they are "exploring new avenues in life" or "opening their own kitchen/café/catering business".

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PROMO FOR NEXT EP. CREATE DRAMA.
DRAMA
DRAMA!!!

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(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

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